Browsing articles from "September, 2014"

Umm…. well… Yeah, this happened

By Juls  //  Uncategorized  //  No Comments

Funny how you can wake up one day and just know it’s going to be “one of those days.”

So, the other day, I woke up to a cold nose in my warm armpit.  This isn’t too terribly unusual and as I groaned and rolled over to check my clock to see if I had to force myself to get up, I realized one leg was pinned to the bed by a 100lb German Shepherd I was boarding.  See, I hadn’t realized this rather cumbersome weight because all feeling and sensation ceased to exist in my leg.  As I pryed Wishbone (aforementioned, sound sleeping, large German Shepherd) off my pseudo limb, I gave a slight gasp as the blood rushed into the leg, followed by those really gnarly pins and needles.

It took an excruciatingly long time to get feeling enough back in my leg and foot to actually manage any purposeful task like placing my fuzzy slippers on my feet and shuffling my way to the most amazing and essential of all wordly inventions… the coffee maker.

Waking up is rough in my house.  Its a virtual obstacle course of dogs. One must be sharp, nimble and quick on their feet to minimize the amount of time it takes to actually be able to hold a steaming cup of coffee to ones lips. There are just so many legs, wiggly butts, noses and good morning kisses to get through.  You’re lucky if you don’t trip or get caught up in the bottleneck between the hallway and the bathroom.  Add to this that I have a need for some pretty high-powered corrective lenses, and you can plan on a good three to five minute delay before even making it into the kitchen.

After achieving enough feeling in my leg to be able to perform simple and productive movement, I began the task of making my way to my beloved coffee maker.  Yawning, I reached for the air tight canister marked “COFFEE”, only to find it dishearteningly light in weight.  My heart immediately skipped a beat and there was a tremor in my hands as I fumbled with the latch that always provides that wonderful “puff” of luxurious coffee bean aroma. You know that almost compulsory need to shake a container to make certain it is in fact empty? Like shaking it will suddenly summon something to suddenly appear?!?  I did this. Not once or twice, but three…yes…ashamedly, three times before grim reality set in.

As I planned for my day, caffeine-free, I wore the naggy feeling I was not destined to experience one of my top ten days, like a wet wool blanket around my shoulders.  Of course, this made me even more droopy and “prickly” as I headed to a daily walk with two dogs that I adore.  It was a pretty hot day, and as I stepped out into the glare of the sun, I immediately felt the small twinge of a headache coming on.

Being around dogs always seem to brighten my days and though I was suffering from a rather healthy caffeine headache, I knew that I would be able to seek sollace at my favorite coffee stand soon and sweet relief would befall me.  This helped me endure the hour long walk in a hazy daze, and things looked to be going smoothly.  I wasnt at my sharpest, but life went on. Clearly I was not on top of my game when my shoulder was almost ripped out of its socket as one of the two dogs I was walking (an almost 175lb Great Pyrenes/Anatolian Shepherd Mix) caught wind…or…sight…not sure which, because I could definitely smell it in the heat, of a somewhat flattened squirrel, laying prone in the road.

Not wanting to drop the leash, I was drug, helpless, half walking, falling and contorting in ways even award winning gymnasts would be proud of, as the dog sought to place this lifeless squirrel upon his awaiting tongue.

When my mind and body caught up with what was actually happening, my nose was painfully accosted by the overpowering scent of decomposition.  I tried not to gag.  No amount of alpha posturing and commanding “drop it”, “leave it” or “give” was going to work on this most wonderful of treasures.  Standing helpless in the middle of a busy residential street, on a hot summer day with the scent of dead animal wafting, I had to plot a clever and devious plan to rid this dog of its most prized possession. I tried clutching a poo bag in my hand and grabbing one end of the squirrel and forcing the squirrel from the dogs mouth.  This created a rather grotesque and unpleasant sound, accompanied by an equally unpleasant sight of  many thriving maggots in the stomach of said dead squirrel.

Fighting the urge to vomit, I stopped walking and stood to assess the situation. It was during this brief moment, after I said a few choice words under my breath, I took notice of the people driving by in their cars. They stared in disgust at the crazy woman standing with a huge dog that was allowed to proudly parade his kill up and down the street.  I was mortified, but could not find it in myself to try and pry it out of his mouth again after the last reveal. I decided I would have to walk the next mile, smelling of decomposing squirrel as though it was no big deal, all the while dizzy, headachey and sick to my stomach from the sight and smell.

After enduring many disapproving stares and disgust, we arrived back at the house.  I knew there was no way I could stop that dog from bringing that horrible thing inside with all its…. maggoty  “inhabitants.” I cleverly rummaged the cupboards to find the most tasty and mouth watering treat and offered it in place of the squirrel.  The deal was “drop it” and you get this lovely morsel…… after a few tense moments of contemplation and an impressive stare down, it was clearly a “no deal”, and he carried the squirrel proudly over to the softly plush, leather couch.

I almost died! I saw my life flash before my eyes and things slowed way down….I had to think quick! But how? I hadn’t had enough coffee to even wake up my brain and though adrenaline was trying to give me a little jump start, would it be enough to save that leather couch????

Bacon… It HAD to be BACON!

I heard the owner say that bacon was his favorite treat. If I had even half a chance it had to be bacon.

I rushed to the refrigerator, sweat beading on my brow. I threw cheese, milk and vegetables to the side, until I saw a half buried wrapper with the words “sli…….on” visible. It was a long shot, but I had to try! Throwing stuff aside, I found what I was looking for, and grabbed a slice.  My heart beat wildly in my cehst as I called his name, dancing the piece of bacon vulgarly in front of his squirrel filled snout.

In almost slow motion he slowly started to lay the squirrel down on the hardwood floor.  Ready  and waiting, I firmly said “SIT” and waggled that piece of bacon in front of his nose.  He was hooked! I had a split second to respond with a recycled grocery bag! I performed a lightening fast swoop and drop!!!  I swooped in to pick up the squirrel carcass while dropping the slice bacon!

VICTORY!!!  I had won!  I ran to the garbage and threw the bag out, all before the dog had even licked the last bit of grease from the side of his nose.  He sniffed around, confused… I smiled rather timidly and let myself out.  As I walked to the car, all I could think about was that cup of coffee… skinny, nonfat vanilla latte….that would make everything okay…







September 2014
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